Realize

Days have been dark for me, even though I never showed that they were. My moods were getting grimmer and my loneliness was busting it's way through. The feeling was harsh and strong, and wanted nothing more than to tear me apart, tear me from my friends and the things that I love. Inspiration was lost as well as motivation. Striving became procrastinating, until I was at a complete standstill. I needed thinking time, and it had to be done.

That's exactly what I did today, think. I had come back from driving my Stepmother to Jennings for some pipes and wiring for the house her and my father are building. It was enjoyable, and stopping at Sonic was a great idea (the carhop was this cute short guy, a tip was necessary). We got back and I sat down in the usual spot and flipped on the TV. Of course, nothing was on, and my boredom was growing. Then, it hit me: I needed to get away, if only for a few minutes to half an hour. I needed some alone time, and taking out the bike would be my best bet. That's the good thing about being in a rural place. You don't have to worry about getting hit or people staring at you while you trudged along the road. Now I remember why I love it here.

The breeze finally felt like autumn. The chill in the air was jacket weather, and I happily sported my new red hoodie that looked rather good against my black jeans. I pedaled, as hard as I could until my thighs were on fire and I had to stop to make sure they wouldn't catch ablaze. The wind was little more than a breeze and the sound of the rustling grass and rice fields was calming. Even the sound of the crickets and the frogs were comforting. Nature. That's what I missed so much. Just to be outside looking up at a clear blue sky, seeing the cranes and egrets fly from their perches, the cows grazing in the pastures that lined the road. I felt my soul come alive and die down to a peaceful state, my mind followed soon after. I felt it again. That happiness, that high you get when you've reached your happy place. When you feel like nothing can come between you and your surroundings. That too, I missed. For that mile long stretch of road, nothing mattered. Not my friends, not my family, not my life, not my love life, nothing. I got to the white markings on the road that the guy from down the road uses as guidelines when he flies his plane. Where to take off, where to land, how far he's gotta go. I heard him working in his hangar as I passed by. The smell of oil and fuel wafted into my nostrils. I have to say, that was refreshing and comforting as well.

Bliss, I think is what you would call the state I was in. I looked at the rest of the road ahead, my mind thinking "I've got to make it all the way to the stop sign, if I don't, I'll just hate myself and my body for what it is. I need this. I have got to get in shape" This thought was triggered as I felt the flare of burning in my thighs and the icy cold sting of my quickened breath in my lungs. I pedaled, and I pedaled hard. The stop sign getting closer and closer and closer. "Come on, come on" I sneered at myself as I felt my legs slowing down. Good enough, the stop sign was now in arms reach.. I made it. I felt like sobbing, not from the goal being achieved, not from the pain in my thighs, for nothing. I wanted to cry just to cry. But I couldn't. My eyes were dry as I propped the bike on the kickstand and looked at the road below. Sitting, that's what I wanted to do and that's what I did. Surprisingly the road was a moderate temperature, even though the sun had been out all day and the sky free of clouds. I sat there, wondering what I would do about the bike with a back tire that was flat and burning thighs. I stood, kicked back the kickstand, and headed home, my hands on the handlebars as I walked it home. My misery, my pain, my anguish, my angst, my insanity had be left behind at the stop sign.