No One Like It

For the past week I've been engulfing my time with Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II. Of course, the second party member you ever get in the game is Atton Rand, a scoundrel with a dark and secret past. Well, this is about him.

All my life I've dreamed about the perfect man, what guy would be most suitable with me. I never had a base to say "Like that" when describing him. I've never had a chance to really think about it either. Truth is, I was afraid to think about it. I thought if I did, I would end up getting my hopes too high and find myself in a pit of spikes with my heart torn out. Lately... I've been thinking about it. I mean, nothing more can scar my heart like my past has. All these guys I've dated and gave chances too. They all wanted something that wasn't me. Something that wasn't so... weird.

Here's how Atton plays out into all of this. He is what I want in my soulmate. His personality, the way he expresses himself. It all just fits, and I never felt so at ease with such a character.

His personality is something I adore. He's raw, exciting, different... He can handle the questions and prodding of the exile, he can fight back and not let the exile push him around. He cares, but he doesn't show it all the time. He gives a damn and shows it when you need it to be shown the most. His childlike ways are just too cute. Like when you're on the Ebon Hawk and he approaches Bao-Dur and asks him about the exile. Asking if him and her would ever be good together and asked Bao-Dur not to laugh. Of course Bao didn't but the droid did. Atton doesn't give away everything right away. You have to wait until you're on Nar Shaddaa and a refugee tells you he knows him. You learn about him in times of discord. When his mind is frazzled and he's trying, trying to protect you from the harsh truth. But he tells you anyway, because it just comes out like a waterfall. It's.. It's the little things like that. Those things that I want most in a guy. Someone who is strong, sure of themselves. Only reveals their darkest past when you're sharing a moment, when he has to. Someone who cares but doesn't have out outright show it all the time. I know it sounds crazy, but... that personality is simply irresistible to me.

Cart from KOTOR I, wounded hero, sensetive, and doesn't want to talk because his feelings are hurt.. not my type. I can't stand a guy who acts too much like the world is out to get him. Those who won't open up because of some stupid thing that one person did to them. No..

I guess I'm asking for a little too much though... I mean, how many Atton Rands are in the world?

I hope to find mine though.. Just like the exile does.

Realize

Days have been dark for me, even though I never showed that they were. My moods were getting grimmer and my loneliness was busting it's way through. The feeling was harsh and strong, and wanted nothing more than to tear me apart, tear me from my friends and the things that I love. Inspiration was lost as well as motivation. Striving became procrastinating, until I was at a complete standstill. I needed thinking time, and it had to be done.

That's exactly what I did today, think. I had come back from driving my Stepmother to Jennings for some pipes and wiring for the house her and my father are building. It was enjoyable, and stopping at Sonic was a great idea (the carhop was this cute short guy, a tip was necessary). We got back and I sat down in the usual spot and flipped on the TV. Of course, nothing was on, and my boredom was growing. Then, it hit me: I needed to get away, if only for a few minutes to half an hour. I needed some alone time, and taking out the bike would be my best bet. That's the good thing about being in a rural place. You don't have to worry about getting hit or people staring at you while you trudged along the road. Now I remember why I love it here.

The breeze finally felt like autumn. The chill in the air was jacket weather, and I happily sported my new red hoodie that looked rather good against my black jeans. I pedaled, as hard as I could until my thighs were on fire and I had to stop to make sure they wouldn't catch ablaze. The wind was little more than a breeze and the sound of the rustling grass and rice fields was calming. Even the sound of the crickets and the frogs were comforting. Nature. That's what I missed so much. Just to be outside looking up at a clear blue sky, seeing the cranes and egrets fly from their perches, the cows grazing in the pastures that lined the road. I felt my soul come alive and die down to a peaceful state, my mind followed soon after. I felt it again. That happiness, that high you get when you've reached your happy place. When you feel like nothing can come between you and your surroundings. That too, I missed. For that mile long stretch of road, nothing mattered. Not my friends, not my family, not my life, not my love life, nothing. I got to the white markings on the road that the guy from down the road uses as guidelines when he flies his plane. Where to take off, where to land, how far he's gotta go. I heard him working in his hangar as I passed by. The smell of oil and fuel wafted into my nostrils. I have to say, that was refreshing and comforting as well.

Bliss, I think is what you would call the state I was in. I looked at the rest of the road ahead, my mind thinking "I've got to make it all the way to the stop sign, if I don't, I'll just hate myself and my body for what it is. I need this. I have got to get in shape" This thought was triggered as I felt the flare of burning in my thighs and the icy cold sting of my quickened breath in my lungs. I pedaled, and I pedaled hard. The stop sign getting closer and closer and closer. "Come on, come on" I sneered at myself as I felt my legs slowing down. Good enough, the stop sign was now in arms reach.. I made it. I felt like sobbing, not from the goal being achieved, not from the pain in my thighs, for nothing. I wanted to cry just to cry. But I couldn't. My eyes were dry as I propped the bike on the kickstand and looked at the road below. Sitting, that's what I wanted to do and that's what I did. Surprisingly the road was a moderate temperature, even though the sun had been out all day and the sky free of clouds. I sat there, wondering what I would do about the bike with a back tire that was flat and burning thighs. I stood, kicked back the kickstand, and headed home, my hands on the handlebars as I walked it home. My misery, my pain, my anguish, my angst, my insanity had be left behind at the stop sign.