No One Like It

For the past week I've been engulfing my time with Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic II. Of course, the second party member you ever get in the game is Atton Rand, a scoundrel with a dark and secret past. Well, this is about him.

All my life I've dreamed about the perfect man, what guy would be most suitable with me. I never had a base to say "Like that" when describing him. I've never had a chance to really think about it either. Truth is, I was afraid to think about it. I thought if I did, I would end up getting my hopes too high and find myself in a pit of spikes with my heart torn out. Lately... I've been thinking about it. I mean, nothing more can scar my heart like my past has. All these guys I've dated and gave chances too. They all wanted something that wasn't me. Something that wasn't so... weird.

Here's how Atton plays out into all of this. He is what I want in my soulmate. His personality, the way he expresses himself. It all just fits, and I never felt so at ease with such a character.

His personality is something I adore. He's raw, exciting, different... He can handle the questions and prodding of the exile, he can fight back and not let the exile push him around. He cares, but he doesn't show it all the time. He gives a damn and shows it when you need it to be shown the most. His childlike ways are just too cute. Like when you're on the Ebon Hawk and he approaches Bao-Dur and asks him about the exile. Asking if him and her would ever be good together and asked Bao-Dur not to laugh. Of course Bao didn't but the droid did. Atton doesn't give away everything right away. You have to wait until you're on Nar Shaddaa and a refugee tells you he knows him. You learn about him in times of discord. When his mind is frazzled and he's trying, trying to protect you from the harsh truth. But he tells you anyway, because it just comes out like a waterfall. It's.. It's the little things like that. Those things that I want most in a guy. Someone who is strong, sure of themselves. Only reveals their darkest past when you're sharing a moment, when he has to. Someone who cares but doesn't have out outright show it all the time. I know it sounds crazy, but... that personality is simply irresistible to me.

Cart from KOTOR I, wounded hero, sensetive, and doesn't want to talk because his feelings are hurt.. not my type. I can't stand a guy who acts too much like the world is out to get him. Those who won't open up because of some stupid thing that one person did to them. No..

I guess I'm asking for a little too much though... I mean, how many Atton Rands are in the world?

I hope to find mine though.. Just like the exile does.

Realize

Days have been dark for me, even though I never showed that they were. My moods were getting grimmer and my loneliness was busting it's way through. The feeling was harsh and strong, and wanted nothing more than to tear me apart, tear me from my friends and the things that I love. Inspiration was lost as well as motivation. Striving became procrastinating, until I was at a complete standstill. I needed thinking time, and it had to be done.

That's exactly what I did today, think. I had come back from driving my Stepmother to Jennings for some pipes and wiring for the house her and my father are building. It was enjoyable, and stopping at Sonic was a great idea (the carhop was this cute short guy, a tip was necessary). We got back and I sat down in the usual spot and flipped on the TV. Of course, nothing was on, and my boredom was growing. Then, it hit me: I needed to get away, if only for a few minutes to half an hour. I needed some alone time, and taking out the bike would be my best bet. That's the good thing about being in a rural place. You don't have to worry about getting hit or people staring at you while you trudged along the road. Now I remember why I love it here.

The breeze finally felt like autumn. The chill in the air was jacket weather, and I happily sported my new red hoodie that looked rather good against my black jeans. I pedaled, as hard as I could until my thighs were on fire and I had to stop to make sure they wouldn't catch ablaze. The wind was little more than a breeze and the sound of the rustling grass and rice fields was calming. Even the sound of the crickets and the frogs were comforting. Nature. That's what I missed so much. Just to be outside looking up at a clear blue sky, seeing the cranes and egrets fly from their perches, the cows grazing in the pastures that lined the road. I felt my soul come alive and die down to a peaceful state, my mind followed soon after. I felt it again. That happiness, that high you get when you've reached your happy place. When you feel like nothing can come between you and your surroundings. That too, I missed. For that mile long stretch of road, nothing mattered. Not my friends, not my family, not my life, not my love life, nothing. I got to the white markings on the road that the guy from down the road uses as guidelines when he flies his plane. Where to take off, where to land, how far he's gotta go. I heard him working in his hangar as I passed by. The smell of oil and fuel wafted into my nostrils. I have to say, that was refreshing and comforting as well.

Bliss, I think is what you would call the state I was in. I looked at the rest of the road ahead, my mind thinking "I've got to make it all the way to the stop sign, if I don't, I'll just hate myself and my body for what it is. I need this. I have got to get in shape" This thought was triggered as I felt the flare of burning in my thighs and the icy cold sting of my quickened breath in my lungs. I pedaled, and I pedaled hard. The stop sign getting closer and closer and closer. "Come on, come on" I sneered at myself as I felt my legs slowing down. Good enough, the stop sign was now in arms reach.. I made it. I felt like sobbing, not from the goal being achieved, not from the pain in my thighs, for nothing. I wanted to cry just to cry. But I couldn't. My eyes were dry as I propped the bike on the kickstand and looked at the road below. Sitting, that's what I wanted to do and that's what I did. Surprisingly the road was a moderate temperature, even though the sun had been out all day and the sky free of clouds. I sat there, wondering what I would do about the bike with a back tire that was flat and burning thighs. I stood, kicked back the kickstand, and headed home, my hands on the handlebars as I walked it home. My misery, my pain, my anguish, my angst, my insanity had be left behind at the stop sign.

Dream

I found myself briskly walking down the halls of a large building with many rooms and quite a bit of people in them. I was looking for a room in specific, and I was running slightly late. With a laptop in tow (for some reason) I made it to the door that belonged to my room and quickly went to set up. There was a man there waiting for me. His name was William, and he stood taller than me with black hair and wizard robes. He used to have this room for himself, but since a few things changed, he had to go into another. My apparel was similar to his, but different in the fact that I was dressed in scholar robes and they appeared to be bigger on me than his robes on him. I set down my laptop on the desk and greeted him. He greeted me as well and we began to discuss a few things before time started. Apparently I was a Historian who taught a bit of conjuring on the side. According to William, my apprentice would be arriving shortly, for he was running even later than I am. I shook my head as I began to open my laptop and type away at the keys.

Before I knew it, my apprentice had walked in and I looked up from my laptop. My eyes were hooked on him. He was handsome, tall and slender. His hair was a chocolate brown and his eyes were a light, rusty brown. I could not believe my eyes. They had assigned me such a beautiful thing. I gathered my thoughts and stood, shaking his hand and greeting him. We introduced ourselves, and he told me his name was Jeremiah and that he had a little brother there too, Cody, a blond hair blue eyed wondrous child who always followed him here on bike. I smiled and told him the lesson would have to begin quickly, for we were running short on time. He nodded and I began to explain everything I knew to him.

A few minutes more and something was happening. A celebration was taking place, of which I completely had forgotten, and I cursed it. So much for time with my student. We went outside for the big show and I kept a close eye on Jeremiah. By the time this thing would be over, we'd have to go home. Before I knew it he was leaving with a girl, chatting her up. I felt my heart sink to my knees and I rushed back inside, grabbing the laptop and running through the halls trying to find him. It was time to go home and I wanted to speak to him before he left. I couldn't find him anywhere. Disappointed, I slouched and found my brother's car, who was waiting from me to get back from the LARP building I attended on a daily basis.

The next thing I knew, I was in the parking lot one day, I looked over to see Cody on his bike, riding along side a very nice convertible. red with beige leather interior. He was talking to them, I'm guessing about medial things. Then the most horrible thing happened. Cody wouldn't let go of the car, and there was another one coming straight for him. The next thing I knew, I woke with my heart racing.

Bugs

I forgot how many bugs came out over here during the summer. Horseflies, mosquitoes, ants the size of houses, and a huge variety of other bugs. *Shudders*

I've finally gotten my stuff up into the bedroom upstairs, but it's still not done. I have a crap load of other stuff to bring DOWNSTAIRS and find somewhere to put it. Haha. Well, I have a bed, a tv, an entertainment center thingy, a table, and my dresser drawer. That was some fun moving we did. Ended up breaking the table that was up here. Whoops.

Still so giddy about next year. Tomas said sometime around these months next year he's coming over here to the States. Makes me extremely happy to hear this. He said he wants to come before my birthday. If he does, that'll be the best birthday ever.

I caught my friend Daniel on myspace. Ended up talking all night on yahoo, catching up and stuff. He showed me this video that Ricky, our friend who moved to Georgia, made. It was hilarious, but I ended up tearing up knowing that I left those people behind when I moved to another school and now to Louisiana. I miss them all, even though I don't remember most of the things we went through. I'd rather not remember junior high... or my nineth grade year... But, let's not get into that, eh?

I start the store on Wednesday, and I won't be called to the Book Nook in probably a few days or so.. he's waiting to get more books before he needs me again. According to my grandma, he's been bragging around about how impressed he was about my first day. That's a great feeling, yeah... Knowing someone's so impressed with how you've done. And it's genuine. Every other time someone's been "impressed" with me, it's always felt fake. I won't simmer in it too much, then it'll make my head expand. Don't wanna be full of hot air, ya know.

Hopefully this week I can go computer shopping and see how much I need to save up for my own.

So Yesterday

I worked 4 hours at the local bookstore. There's nothing hard about alphabetizing a bunch of books by author and just shelving them right after in the correct spot. It's like a big puzzle game really. Well, I got done a tad early, so "my boss" said I could help look up the books he's got on Amazon to see their worth next time he needs me. Which will be fun too, since I like looking stuff up online. It's not a steady job, I'm called in, not a regular schedule.

But to top that all off, I have go to in next week at 5 am on Wednesday to go stack at my grandfather's store. Which... that'll be a trip. I've worked half a day there before, but it was for bagging (I found I'm no good at this, people dislike me.. must be cause I don't like to smile at strangers?). Either way, it still gives me more money. Money that I need for my own computer.

I have no idea where to even find such a decent computer. I need one that's affordable and ran run Sims 3 and Photoshop. My comic needs to be made and my entertainments needs need to be met! That and my strange love for Sims games. But that's another story.

It's been days now since I've heard anything from Tomas. I don't worry like I used to, thinking he's going to surprise dump me. I trust him enough that he wouldn't do that without warning or good reason. But if he does dump me, no use crying over spilled milk eh? It'll be hard to get over him, but I think I could manage. I wish he would get on though, I miss him so much.

It seems every time I talk to a friend who's creative, I always get a job as an artist for a comic. Brendan told me about how he's got these crazy ideas and nothing to do with them. My brain clicked and before I knew it I had sent the IM that I would do it if he asked. Silly me. That would mean I would have Ian AND Brendan to whip me into shape to do their artwork. ... Strangely it sounds like fun. I like lending my talents.

A world not strange

June 7th - I graduated from my high school and moved straight back to Louisiana.

Life's little bright points, eh?

Well the glorious thing is that I'm back home near my family and I won't be left out again. After 10 years of missing everything, you kinda get frustrated. I didn't want to become even more alienated from my family than I already was. So I packed up and moved out as soon as possible, without giving my mother a proper goodbye. I'm no good at those anyway. And when I'm living here I have two jobs I can do. They're not every day of the week, and it's decent pay. It's good until I get a real job... which will suck but rock at the same time.

The downfalls are that I don't get to sleep in all the time and I'm now closer to my horrid ex-boyfriend... I think I can deal with that, but we'll see. Haha.

I do, in fact, have wonderful plans for my future. Most of them involving a visit from my sweetheart Tomas and hopefully moving in with Devon up there in Canada. Canada, the place I've dreamed of since I was little. Strange you say? Well, I'm not exactly the most normal person on the planet. Traveling is in my blood, but my heart yearns for Canada.

I really should get to updating my webcomic. Devon is probably having hernias just waiting for me up to update it some more. I'm still settling down here, and when I do settle I'll update the comic more efficiently.

Hmmm.. what else? Ah, nothing. I guess I'll save other thoughts for another time. Ciao.